WNBA owners to FIRE Cathy Engelbert & Defend Caitlin Clark!
WNBA owners are reportedly considering removing Commissioner Cathy Engelbert. This follows years of controversy, including public feuds with players and criticism of star Caitlin Clark. Explore the escalating tensions and potential impact on the league’s future.
WNBA Owners FIRE Cathy Engelbert & DEFEND Caitlin Clark! — The League Finally Realizes Gasoline Doesn’t Put Out Fires
By: Totally Not Woj, The Onion Sports Division
In a shocking turn of events that absolutely nobody who’s been conscious for the last six months could possibly be surprised by, WNBA Commissioner Cathy Engelbert has reportedly been politely escorted out of the building by a coalition of exhausted owners, mutinous players, and one very angry Caitlin Clark fanbase armed with stats, receipts, and slow-motion replays.
Sources close to the situation say the final straw came when Engelbert told a reporter that “Caitlin should be grateful for the platform the WNBA gives her,” moments before being booed so loudly by fans in Phoenix that the local seismograph registered it as an earthquake.
According to one owner, “We realized the only thing Cathy was growing was our collective migraine. Caitlin’s bringing in millions of new fans, and Cathy’s out here arguing that air travel is a ‘luxury’ and referees are ‘emotional creatures.’ It’s like watching someone trip over a golden goose while insisting it’s the goose’s fault.”
🏀 A League in Crisis (and Corporate Buzzwords)
For years, Engelbert marketed herself as a “transformational leader,” which insiders now agree was accurate only in the sense that she transformed optimism into chaos.
Her legendary “holistic officiating evaluation” policy — corporate code for “we’re not fixing anything” — became the face of the league’s dysfunction. When pressed about the constant bad calls and missed fouls, Engelbert famously shrugged and said, “Well, basketball’s complicated.”
That statement has since been enshrined in the League Office Hall of Fame for Inspirational Mismanagement, right next to Roger Goodell’s “We value transparency.”
🧨 Caitlin Clark: The Accidental Savior
While Engelbert struggled to spell “PR,” Caitlin Clark was out there doing the impossible — turning the WNBA into must-watch television.
She sold out arenas, boosted ratings, and made more money in endorsements than the league itself. Yet somehow, Cathy saw this as a problem. Instead of embracing Clark, Engelbert reportedly described her popularity as “a temporary phenomenon,” a phrase now tattooed on the forehead of every marketing intern who fainted reading it.
One owner summarized the issue succinctly:
“We’ve been begging for a superstar for 25 years. We finally get one, and Cathy treats her like a walking inconvenience.”
🧾 Owners vs. Engelbert: The Final Showdown
The owners’ patience officially expired during the CBA negotiations, where Engelbert arrived armed with PowerPoint slides, vague metaphors, and absolutely zero solutions.
“When she said ‘Let’s circle back to that after Q4,’” said one executive, “we realized she thought this was still Deloitte.”
Another owner added:
“We didn’t just lose confidence in her leadership. We lost confidence in our ability to sit through another meeting without throwing a folding chair.”
Even the players joined the rebellion. Angel Reese, Naphesa Collier, and multiple veterans reportedly staged a silent protest by refusing to blink during Engelbert’s press conference until she said the words “my bad.” She never did.
🏚️ Damage Control or Damage Deluxe?
Despite the chaos, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver initially refused to fire Engelbert, claiming “she’s presided over strong growth.” Insiders say this was mostly because firing her would force him to admit the NBA made a hiring mistake — something no commissioner has ever done willingly.
But when the boos during the Finals presentation were louder than the crowd at a Taylor Swift concert, Silver reportedly sighed, whispered “optics be damned,” and texted “it’s time” to the owners’ group chat.
Within hours, Engelbert’s office door was locked, her Zoom access revoked, and her “We’re building the brand” mug listed on eBay under WNBA memorabilia, slightly used, poor decision-making energy included.
🚀 The Aftermath: Clark Takes Center Stage
League insiders say the owners plan to “re-center the WNBA around its players and fans,” which everyone understands to mean make Caitlin Clark Commissioner, CEO, and Head of Referee Training.
Her first act, sources predict, will be introducing the “Clark Clause” — a rule that bans anyone from using the phrase “she should be grateful” within 50 feet of a microphone.
Fans have already started a petition to rename the Commissioner’s Trophy the Caitlin Cup, with the inscription:
“Awarded annually to the league that finally realized competence is not optional.”
🏁 Final Thoughts
The WNBA’s Cathy Engelbert era will go down in history as a masterclass in how to take the biggest surge in women’s sports popularity and steer it directly into a pothole made of ego and PowerPoint slides.
One anonymous team exec put it best:
“If leadership were basketball, Cathy Engelbert would’ve fouled out in the first quarter.”
As for Caitlin Clark? She’s already back in the gym — probably preparing for the only full-court press she hasn’t beaten yet: a league’s worth of expectations.
Headline Update:
“WNBA Owners Fire Engelbert, Announce New Policy: Listening to Fans No Longer Considered Optional.”
Subheadline:
“Sources say Engelbert plans to spend her post-commissioner career teaching a masterclass titled ‘Crisis Management: Deny Everything.’”
