Breaking News: Oilers President Issues Absurd “Ticket Ban” on LGBT Fans — Supporters Clap Back With a 5-Word Message

**Edmonton, Alberta** — In a move so baffling it sounds like it was cooked up in a fever dream, the Edmonton Oilers’ president has reportedly enacted a “new law” banning the sale of home-game tickets to LGBT fans.

Yes, you read that right. Tickets. Banned. Because hockey, apparently, should only be watched by people who also check a box on an imaginary fan-eligibility form.

Naturally, the internet did what it does best: explode.

Fans Left Speechless… Then Hilarious

Within minutes, the Oilers’ official account was flooded with furious (and equally witty) responses. The collective message quickly rose to trending status:

**“Good luck selling seats.”**

Five words. Sharp as a slapshot. And devastating for a team that relies heavily on ticket sales to keep the Zambonis fueled and the nacho cheese dispensers flowing.

The Absurd “Reasoning”

Asked why such a bizarre policy was enacted, a spokesperson for the president allegedly muttered something about “traditional values” and “rainbows clashing with ice.”

One fan replied:

“Rainbows literally *make* ice sparkle. Try again.”

Another added:

“If Connor McDavid can’t dangle past human rights, what chance do you think your policy has?”

The Locker Room Reaction

Sources inside the Oilers locker room say players were stunned. One unnamed veteran reportedly spit out his Gatorade upon hearing the news, saying:

“Wait… so we’re banning fans? What’s next, banning people who like pineapple on pizza?

Even McDavid, usually diplomatic, was overheard saying:

“I’d rather skate on gravel than see us lose fans over this.”

Satire or Reality?

While obviously satirical, the idea has sparked wider conversations online about inclusivity in sports. Fans are pointing out that hockey, like any game, thrives when *everyone* feels welcome — whether they’re in skates or in the stands.

The Oilers’ management hasn’t issued a clarification yet, but if they don’t, fans are already promising to show up to Rogers Place in full rainbow gear — even if they have to storm the building with glitter cannons.